


grief and repetition

by spectrespecs



Category: SK8 the Infinity (Anime)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Dom/sub Undertones, Light Bondage, M/M, Minor Sakurayashiki Kaoru | Cherry Blossom/Shindo Ainosuke | Adam, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Pre-Main Series Timeline, author knows two things about biblical references, light edging, tadashi is best boy agenda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 06:40:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30101841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spectrespecs/pseuds/spectrespecs
Summary: Tadashi might have taught Ainosuke how to skate, but that doesn't mean they will skate at each other’s side forever.
Relationships: Kikuchi Tadashi/Shindo Ainosuke | Adam
Comments: 22
Kudos: 131





	grief and repetition

**Author's Note:**

> can’t wait until episode 10 destroys us in three days, right? why not try a painful pairing to get that emotional train started early, choo choo, y’all.
> 
> thanks to jade, jojo, sarah, audrey, and hannah, whom i love and adore with all my life
> 
> title from [grief and repetition](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFULAi_3BXI&ab_channel=OneohtrixPointNever-Topic) by oneohtrix point never

Tadashi adores Ainosuke. 

Since the day he started to work with the Shindo family, Tadashi has been drawn to the other like a stray moth to a flickering flame. When he saw the way the aunts of the family treated Ainosuke, showering him in what they referred to as love and care but was truly more sinister, Tadashi wanted to whisk the boy away with him. There was nowhere for two children to go, so Tadashi showed him how to skateboard instead. 

Scratches cover the soft skin of Ainosuke's palms from where he's fallen onto the ground while trying to get used to standing on the board, and even after tumbling down, time after time, he's still determined to make this work. 

"Here, I'll help," Tadashi offers and holds out his hand. 

Ainosuke stares at the offered hand for a second before looking up at Tadashi. "What for?"

"Hold onto me," Tadashi instructs. "I'll help you."

Standing up on slightly shaky legs, Ainosuke grips onto Tadashi's hand and places one foot gingerly on the skateboard. As he moves to put the other foot on, Tadashi gets an arm on his waist and keeps the other boy steady. Every move they make is slow and calculated until Ainosuke manages to stay on the board for several seconds without it rolling out from under his feet.

"See, you can do it!" Tadashi keeps his voice down so as to not disturb any of the adults who may be within hearing distance. The two young boys aren't doing anything wrong, perse, but Tadashi has an inkling that to be found would mean a scolding for not attending to schoolwork. 

"But only because you're holding on to me," Ainosuke frowns at where Tadashi's hands are on him.

"But now you know how it feels," Tadashi smiles gently up at the young heir to the Shindo family. "Want me to help you roll a little?"

Ainosuke's mouth drops open slightly, awed by the idea of finally actually being able to move on the board now that he's passed the triumph of standing on it. Instead of speaking his desire out loud, he offers a small nod with wide eyes. 

"Okay," Tadashi maintains that soft smile and tone he always uses when he's with Ainosuke. "Hold on," he instructs, and Ainosuke listens, clutching onto Tadashi's hand harder while also getting another hand on his shoulder. "We'll go slow."

Tadashi begins to walk slowly, and as he moves, Ainosuke and the board move along with him. They aren't speeding down the pathway of the garden by any means; it's a snail's pace. But that doesn't matter to Ainosuke right now because he's moving on a skateboard finally. Tadashi looks over in time to see the other boy's jaw drop open and look down at their feet where they are skating along. Even this little bit of skateboarding is lighting him up, and Tadashi warms at the idea of what Ainosuke will be like when he's actually properly on a board by himself, gliding down streets and jumping sidewalks. He hopes to be by Ainosuke's side as he learns. 

And one day, Ainosuke is able to skateboard on his own without needing to hold onto Tadashi for support. One day, Ainosuke's palms no longer contain scrapes and bits of gravel that dug in during a fall. One day, Ainosuke does a perfect jump over Tadashi as they practice, and Tadashi swears that the other boy has wings. 

Most beautiful of all, the dullness in Ainosuke's eyes vanished when he was on a skateboard. 

\---

Except when they were in high school, just skateboarding together was no longer enough. 

"Do you know if there are other skateboarders in Okinawa?" Ainosuke asks as he climbs into the car after a school day. 

They've been by each other's side for almost a decade now, but instead of getting closer, the division of Shindo Ainosuke and Tadashi Kikuchi has only grown. The Shindo family began to hammer in the fact that Ainosuke will become a politician once he finishes school, working to maintain the family name's good-standing, and Tadashi simply serves him as an assistant at the side. As the years went by and the distance between them grew, Tadashi came to realize that his childhood dreams of them skating side-by-side forever were just that, dreams, yearnings that were never meant to truly be. 

"I believe I have heard of an underground skateboarding scene of sorts," Tadashi answers with an emotionless voice. "I can look into it for you."

Ainosuke does not offer any thanks. "I need to find someone to skate with, someone who can match me," he fidgets in his seat while staring out the window. Tadashi knows to not say anything because Ainosuke does not want to skate with him. "There has to be someone else out there with the same passion, the same love for it."

Tadashi does not reply, simply continues his job of driving the two of them back to the Shindo house so Ainosuke can do his homework and Tadashi can continue his role of being a loyal assistant. 

That night, Ainosuke finds Tadashi after most of the house has gone to bed. "I'm going out. You know what you must do," he leaves no room for discussion or argument, and the implication that Tadashi is to cover for him in the case of anyone asking after Ainosuke's whereabouts is clear. 

But still, Tadashi cannot stop himself from asking. "Where are you going?"

Ainosuke pulls the hood of his jacket up to obscure his face, and Tadashi notices the skateboard tucked behind his back. "I'm going to find a person who can skate with me."

Tadashi watches him sneak out of the house and run down the street until he rounds a corner and skates away. Sighing, Tadashi wonders for the first time if introducing Ainosuke to skating was the right thing or not, but then he remembers the way that round, childish face lit up with pure unfiltered joy the first time Ainosuke managed to ride a skateboard without Tadashi's assistance, and he thinks maybe it wasn't the worst idea he's ever had.

\---

Ainosuke takes up the name "Adam" when he goes out almost nightly to skate, and he makes a name for himself with it. He manages to amass his own little gang of skaters that follow him, but none of them still are the person who he seeks. None of them offer the spark that Ainosuke waits so eagerly for, the person who will light something within him and set him ablaze. His _Eve._ Tadashi grew accustomed to lying awake in his bed late at night, waiting for the sounds of Ainosuke making his way back into the house. 

Until one day, Ainosuke meets Kaoru—Cherry. 

_He's amazing. He's the best skater I've ever seen. He has such a drive to skate. He's so thoughtful about how he skates, and he wants to do everything to be the best. He's not boring._

Compliment after compliment spilled from Ainosuke's lips, and that burning in his eyes that first lit up when he started skating now began to smolder tenfold when he talked about Cherry. Ainosuke found what he had been looking for, who he had been looking for, someone that Tadashi could never be for him with skating. He needed someone who could push him further and make him want to fly to new heights, and when Tadashi clearly could not do that for him as he only served as the initial catalyst for the sport, Ainosuke stumbled across someone who could.

Every night he comes home with the smell of cigarette smoke on his clothes that Ainosuke will need to launder out later, and for the first time, he actually talks to Tadashi. Somewhere along the way, Ainosuke had stopped talking about life outside the walls of the house—nothing about school or his nighttime escapades. Tadashi only ever heard how his studies were going when Ainosuke would be summoned in front of his aunts, and Tadashi would need to accompany him to hear the boy deliver almost preformed answers that would placate the women into cooing over him. To hear Ainosuke actually openly discussing a part of his life that he had kept quiet and away from Tadashi made something hungry within him open up. 

_He wants to tell me!_ Tadashi thinks, and even though he was singing praises for some other boy, some other skater, well, Tadashi knows it is his job to do whatever Ainosuke wants, and what Ainosuke wants right now is for Tadashi to be a good little dog and sit there, listening as he waxes poetic about how Cherry has piercings and the most beautiful form when he makes jumps on his board. 

“I would like to see him skate someday,” Tadashi finally comments when Ainosuke takes a break in talking about Cherry one afternoon.

This seems to snap Ainosuke out of whatever thoughts he had settled into, and he turns to glare at Tadashi before getting up and walking away. It’s then that Tadashi realizes that he truly is simply just someone who waits in the shadows behind Ainosuke, only there when needed, and Ainosuke does not need him where Cherry is concerned.

\---

The first time Tadashi sees Cherry is when the sound of not one set of footsteps but two trying to make their way into the house at night carries down the hallway. Tadashi carefully opens the door a tiny amount so he can peer out, and that's when he sees Ainosuke push a tall boy wearing a high school uniform against the wall and dig his hands into flowing pink hair to bring their mouths together in a messy kiss. It is dark, but the light through the windows and dimly lit hall lamps was enough for Tadashi. 

It is as though ice water pours over his head. Tadashi knows that no matter how much he looks at Ainosuke, Ainosuke will never look back at him in the same way that he wants, but that didn't mean Tadashi held himself back from occasionally allowing his mind to wander. Sometimes, Tadashi believes he’s earned the right to indulge in a fantasy of _what if_ Ainosuke told Tadashi he cares for him, adores him, loves him. But here was proof in front of his eyes that it would never be that way.

When Tadashi goes into Ainosuke's room the next morning to wake him up for school, there is no sign that anyone else has ever been there. Tadashi would have happily written it all off as a dream, but then Ainosuke flashes him a smile. "Did you hear anything last night?" he asks.

"No, Ainosuke-sama," Tadashi lies easily enough.

"Good," Ainosuke's smile grew wider, something feral on its edges. "Cherry came over last night."

"Is he still here?" Tadashi ventures to ask in case he needs to prepare himself to figure out how to get the other boy out of the house so no other staff of the family sees him.

Ainosuke shakes his head. "He left before the sun came up, out the window," he lazily gestures with one hand to the window that still hangs open, the breeze carrying through and making the curtains flutter. A large tree with a branch that perfectly reaches the window was on the other side, so Tadashi had his answer for how Cherry managed to leave. 

Tadashi chooses to not pursue the topic, but he's certain he knows what they got up to in this room and on the bed that Ainosuke was still lying in, grin not moving from his face. "You need to get up or you will be late," Tadashi informs him. And when Ainosuke finally rises, it didn't seem like he cared about anything at all the rest of the day, simply drifting through.

It wasn't the last time that Tadashi would hear the sound of Cherry sneaking into the house with Ainosuke. 

\---

“You are coming with me tonight,” Ainosuke informs him as he’s on his way out of the house. It’s the first time Tadashi has ever been summoned to go with him. 

“Of course,” Tadashi inclines his head. “Should I bring my board or the car, Ainosuke-sama?”

Ainosuke contemplates for a second before answering with “Both.”

The two leave in a car, Ainosuke directing Tadashi on which turns to make and where to go until they pull up to an abandoned mine, which would be strange and concerning, but Tadashi sees the slopes surrounding the mine and realizes that Ainosuke has plans in store for this place. 

Once they park and exit the car, Ainosuke leads them up a path. They walk in silence, Tadashi waiting patiently for Ainosuke to say something and explain what exactly his ideas were with this area. They eventually emerge at what appears to be the highest point of the mine with a clear trail sloping down, winding around the hill on which the mine is built. 

Finally, Ainosuke speaks. “This is going to become a racecourse.”

Tadashi looks over at Ainosuke, and the sparse lights that illuminate the area just enough to make it navigable are shining off his eyes, making them glow, but below that, Ainosuke’s own fervor brightens his expression. It’s something a little starved, and Tadashi knows he plans to devour every single skater who goes against him on the course.

“What do you need me to do?” Tadashi asks.

“Good boy, Tadashi,” Ainosuke smirks at him. “I need you to work with the police to remove this area from their patrol, and then we will need to hire guards and put some cosmetic items here like a light at the start.”

“Yes, Ainosuke-sama, and will you need help advertising it?” Tadashi checks.

Ainosuke shakes his head. “No, I’ll have Cherry and Joe help with that.”

Ah, so Tadashi was to stay in the background, the silent force behind Ainosuke, following orders to make sure everything went according to plan. Tadashi assumes he’s never to be at the course to skate unless he’s assisting Ainosuke in some way. He was a fool to ever assume anything else.

“But first,” Ainosuke turns to look at Tadashi, the smallest hint of a smile on his face that didn’t hold any of that slowly growing and festering malice that keeps being thrown in his direction. “Let’s skate.”

With that, Ainosuke slams down his board and takes off, leaving Tadashi in shock before he eventually comes to his senses in order to follow the other boy. Ainosuke was a gifted skateboarder, absolutely excellent and far exceeding anything Tadashi had expected of him when he taught Ainosuke to set food on a board. It’s breathtaking to watch the way Ainosuke maneuvers down the course, seamlessly slipping into tricks to help propel him even further down.

But Tadashi is never far behind, keeping up reasonably close with Ainosuke. They have not skated together in years, and being so close to Ainosuke as they breeze through the twists and turns of the soon-to-be underground skateboard course makes Tadashi’s stomach swoop in a mix of excitement and pleasure at being able to be at Ainosuke’s side again like this. It makes him push harder, fly faster down, but still, Ainosuke is just a small bit faster than him now. Tadashi doesn’t mind because he doesn’t think there’s anything more beautiful than watching the way Ainosuke dramatically spreads his hands as he passes the final turn that takes them into an abandoned warehouse. 

When Ainosuke jumps off his board and turns to look at Tadashi, a broad grin across his face, everything around Tadashi melts away becoming inconsequential if it's not the boy in front of him.

\---

The first time someone gets hurt on S, Tadashi deals with it discreetly, as per Ainosuke’s instructions, which were given to him with some reluctance, as though he found the whole matter a hassle. Tadashi had been in the process of installing the cameras that would allow him to remotely monitor the course, so he did not see how the accident happened, he assumed a turn had been taken too quickly or a jump had gone awry. He didn’t know the truth.

The first time Tadashi watches through the cameras while in the car as Ainosuke purposefully sends another skater careening over a ledge, he realizes the boy who sat in a corner of the garden, curling into himself to somehow become smaller, was long gone.

\---

One night he receives a call from Ainosuke needing to be picked up from some part of the city, and Tadashi sighs but dutifully rises and gets dressed in order to sneak a car out of the family garage to go retrieve him. When he arrives at the nondescript underpass of a bridge, he can make out three figures. Ainosuke is there with his arm around Cherry, their heads bent as they speak to each other, twin grins wide on their faces, and then there stands a third boy a little behind them. His green hair blows easily in the wind with a skateboard tucked under one of his arms. At first, Tadashi assumes he’s watching the couple, but then he realizes, no, his eyes are only on one of them—on Cherry. 

Tadashi knows the look the other boy has on his face as he gazes at Cherry because it is the same look he gives Ainosuke when no one else is looking.

 _Ah, so he feels this, too,_ Tadashi thinks to himself, melancholic.

When Aiichiro-sama burns Ainosuke's skateboard a few weeks later, Tadashi attempts to stand up for him, but he's always been meant to be submissive. "I have no opinions," he speaks to the back of Ainosuke’s head because it aches his heart too much to look and see the pain on Ainosuke's face. 

Later, Tadashi sits there in the car, off to the side, waiting, as Ainosuke tells Cherry and Joe—he eventually learned the name of the other boy in the same situation as him, longing for who he cannot have—that he will be leaving for America the next day. The details are spared, they needn't know that his prominent family decided it is time to ship their heir off to a foreign country to complete his education, and Tadashi is going with him.

Ainosuke starts to walk away from his friends—because those are his true friends, and Tadashi was nothing but a servant at this point—when Cherry breaks away and runs after him, grabbing Ainosuke's arm with resentment blazing across his face. Tadashi cannot hear what they were saying, but the body language works enough to convey furious words and damaged emotions. Cherry's hands dig into Ainosuke's arms, forcing him to look at the other boy whose hair blows wildly in the wind, making it seem like he is actually aflame. Ainosuke manages to pry him off, and Joe moves forward to hold Cherry back. The devastation is done, and the closer Ainosuke gets to the car, the fissure between him and the other two grows. 

Unfortunately, leaving and Ainosuke sitting in the car with Tadashi didn't mean anything between them would change or improve.

\---

When they arrive in America, Ainosuke has Tadashi buy a new skateboard for him, and Tadashi makes sure to find one that manages to be even better than the board he rode back in Japan. But even with the skateboard under his feet and the night sky above him, Ainosuke was not the same. Nothing was the same as it had been when he had been in Japan with Cherry and Joe at his side. He had lost limbs, essentially, and was no longer the whole person he was. 

While Ainosuke goes to class, Tadashi researches skate shops in the area and compares their reputation until he compiles a brief list he deems passable and starts to visit them. Tadashi spent enough time observing Ainosuke's skating to know what he needs. 

In the second shop he goes to, the owner appears knowledgeable and helpful, narrowing his eyes after Tadashi explains what he's looking for, but then nodding in understanding, realizing that Tadashi skates and _knows_ skating.

"Who's the board for?" the shop owner asks as he brings out a deck in the narrow shape that Tadashi was describing. 

"It's for..." Tadashi drifts off because what is he truly to Ainosuke? One time he would have gone so far as to possibly even call each other friends when they were still young with bright eyes and not wary of getting scraped up all for the sake of skating. "I'm his assistant," he finally answers.

This response apparently grabs the man's attention, and his eyebrows disappear under the bleach blond bangs that hang down over his forehead. "Is he a pro?"

"No," Tadashi shakes his head. "Amateur but he's been skating since he was a child."

"What about you?" the man, unfortunately, presses on with his questions. "I mean, you clearly know a thing or two about skating when you were telling me what type of board you're looking for."

Tadashi pauses before reluctantly replying. "I also have skated since I was a child," he admits. "But I no longer skate regularly anymore."

The shop owner studies Tadashi for a few seconds that feel excruciatingly long. "But you want to, don't you?"

"Yes," the one-word reply whispers out of Tadashi's mouth before he can stop himself. Yes, he wants to skate, and more than anything he wants to skate at Ainosuke's side. 

"Then you should get a board, too, charge it to your boss's account," the man smirks and pushes back from the counter. "What do you want?"

And so Tadashi also ends up placing an order for a skateboard with the shop owner and leaves with the promise of returning the next day to pick up two custom boards. When he steps back out into the sun, Tadashi closes his eyes and turns his face up to the sky, trying to feel any form of warmth again. He feels the heat come through his suit and shirt, but it doesn't settle any deeper into his bones as he aches for.

Tadashi presents Ainosuke the board the next day, and the other man's eyes spark for just a moment, clearly excited to once again be in possession of a skateboard, and it's a beautiful one, too. Simple black with some red stripes decorating a thin but long deck that Tadashi knows Ainosuke will maneuver magnificently. Part of Tadashi wants to tell Ainosuke that he has a board, too, so he can skate with him if he wants. There are some parks around, but he also knows that nighttime might be Ainosuke's preferred time to prowl the streets. 

But while Tadashi toils over all of this in his head, Ainosuke speaks first. 

"I'm going out tonight," Ainosuke declares, and as expected, he does not thank Tadashi. He takes, and Tadashi is happy to give. That's all he says before walking away to his room with the board in hand. 

Tadashi wonders why he ever expects anything to change for the better. That night he watches Ainosuke dawn his hoodie and go out into the city with his board, not needing to sneak out as there is no family to watch over him, just Tadashi to try and keep him in line with occasional check-ins from the aunts. 

Instead of how he usually would lie in his bed and wait for Ainosuke to come back, Tadashi goes to retrieve his own board and leaves the penthouse, skating silently to a nearby park and losing himself in thought, pretending that the occasional breeze through his hair is Ainosuke's fingers or the breath of his laugh against Tadashi's head. 

When he goes home, Tadashi means to stay awake for Ainosuke to come home, but he accidentally falls asleep and doesn’t hear Ainosuke come through the front door. If he had, he might have heard how footsteps stopped outside of his door for a few seconds before continuing on.

\---

Ainosuke goes out every night, and Tadashi lets himself fall asleep with his phone turned up to the highest volume should anything happen and his master—and Tadashi is beginning to accept that is indeed all Ainosuke is and will ever be to him—need him for any reason, but he never does. Tadashi falls asleep after going out on his own short joyride and waiting for Ainosuke to return from his, and then he wakes up to the sound of his alarm going off to start preparing for the day. He'll be in the kitchen making breakfast and hear the sound of Ainosuke's alarm going off a few hours later. Just in case, Tadashi halts his movements and turns his ear to the hall in order to listen for the sound of movement, and when the telltale noise of a shower turning on can be heard, Tadashi gets back to work.

Unlike before, there are no stories about Cherry or the sound of him stumbling home with Ainosuke. There's nothing. Just silence from Ainosuke about anything he gets up to in the night while out on his skateboard, and Tadashi also doesn't tell him he goes to the park a few blocks over to skate while Ainosuke is gone. 

And no one ever comes home with Ainosuke.

\---

Tadashi vows to do whatever he can for the duration of their time abroad to help Ainosuke. Ever since the first time Ainosuke went out at night, Tadashi’s phone remains on-hand nearby with the volume turned all the way up as he tends to matters at home and Ainosuke goes to class, and it stays with him when Tadashi goes on his midnight rides while Ainosuke is off skateboarding with _not_ him. Ainosuke has never called, not once. But still, Tadashi waits for him patiently to get home every single day, first from class and then from his late-night escapades. He waits eagerly for anything that Ainosuke deems to give him, which, honestly, is essentially nothing at all.

Until one day, Ainosuke pulls Tadashi to him, kissing him, touching him, doing everything Tadashi had only ever allowed himself to dream about, but the illusion breaks as soon as Ainosuke opens his mouth to speak.

"You'll do anything for me, right, Tadashi?" his hands slide down the button-up shirt Tadashi wears under his suit jacket. Long fingers trail down until they skim over the belt and then grab Tadashi through his pants, eliciting a gasp of shock more than pleasure from his mouth. "Even this?"

"Yes," Tadashi offers the truth as readily as he had offered his help that day years and years ago in what might as well be another lifetime now when he showed Ainosuke how to skateboard. 

"Do you care that I don't even truly want you? That I just need someone to fuck?" Ainosuke spits out the last word with venom as if uttering it was admitting something filthy.

"I have no opinions," Tadashi says the words he had to Aiichiro-san when Ainosuke's skateboard sat burned and its owner's eyes blown wide and stricken. Ainosuke flashes a dangerous smile while his eyes shine intensely in the dimly lit living room, something crazed that sends a shiver down Tadashi's spine. Still, there is no way he will back down from this. 

"My perfect little dog," Ainosuke uses his free hand to glide it through Tadashi's hair, which makes him close his eyes involuntarily at the pleasure of feeling such a soft touch through his locks, but in a second everything turns when Ainosuke grabs Tadashi's hair and yanks, hard, bending Tadashi's head back. "I'll show you just how I own you."

With Tadashi's hair seized, Ainosuke tugs Tadashi to follow him to the third bedroom in the penthouse. One room was Ainosuke's, the second room was Tadashi's, and this third one simply sat unused with Tadashi only going in it to change out the sheets every so often as needed so it didn't sit stale. But today, it seems the room would be getting used. 

Ainosuke throws Tadashi upon the bed roughly and then stares down at him, panting. "Don't make me do the work here," his voice snaps. 

Tadashi nods, knowing what he must do. And god he wants to do this well, he wants to be so _good_ for Ainosuke. He resituates himself on the bed from his half-sprawl to sitting up on his knees. While looking down, Tadashi strips himself, slowly at first as if to try and tempt Ainosuke, to make him feel that Tadashi revealing bits of his skin was actually a gift being presented to him. 

"Faster," Ainosuke ends up demanding, and Tadashi obeys, quickly pulling off the rest of his clothes until he kneels naked on the bed, head bowed and breathing fast. Ainosuke does not say anything, he just moves to the end of the bed and undoes his pants, pushing them down and pulling himself out. Tadashi watches transfixed, lips parting at the sight of Ainosuke taking himself in hand and stroking slowly, thin fingers carefully curling around and moving wickedly. "Don't just watch," Ainosuke growls with no further instructions. 

Tadashi shuffles forward and drops lower so his mouth is level with where Ainosuke has a hand on himself and stops right when the tip nearly touches his lips. Chancing a look, Tadashi glances up through his eyelashes at Ainosuke, fully expecting Ainosuke to be looking anywhere but at Tadashi. Instead, though, Tadashi's eyes meet Ainosuke's, and his breath hitches. For a fleeting second, it almost appears like he wants Tadashi, but as soon as Tadashi notices, Ainosukhie's expression clears, and he frowns. "You are supposed to do what I tell you."

That's enough instruction for Tadashi, and he looks back at the sight in front of him and keeps his eyes open even as they threatened to close at the feeling of taking Ainosuke into his mouth for the first time. The hold on his hair that had lessened in strength returns even fiercer, a few strands no doubt pulled out from his scalp. But Tadashi doesn't care, no, not one bit. He's living one of his wildest fantasies now, Ainosuke-sama deeming him worthy enough to perform such an intimate act on him. 

Tadashi has never done this before, so when Ainosuke starts to thrust, he sputters and pulls back, needing to find his breath again and cough, which Ainosuke blessedly allows him, but the second it seems Tadashi has regained his composure, his mouth is being filled again. He gets used to it, starts to appreciate the feel of Ainosuke hot and heavy against his tongue, scraping the back of his throat, and filling his senses. Tadashi's hands come into play and work to give Ainosuke attention to where his mouth can't reach. 

When Ainosuke lets out the smallest moan, Tadashi's whole body shudders and he can't help but moan around the length in his mouth, which earns a huff of air out of Ainosuke's breath, fighting to stay quiet. 

Tadashi loses himself in the act, savoring the taste of Ainosuke on his lips and the way his hair is being pulled. And if a thumb gently strokes the mole below his eye, Tadashi assumes it's a dream from the haze he's fallen into. 

Eventually, Ainosuke has his fill of Tadashi this way and pulls him off, pushing him back on the bed. "Turn around and get on your hands and knees," Ainosuke demands, and Tadashi goes. "Good dog."

Tadashi waits as Ainosuke leaves the room, wondering if he's going to be left like this, but Ainosuke comes back and makes Tadashi open himself up for him, watches as Tadashi fucks himself on his own fingers before Ainosuke finally sinks into him. 

Later, Tadashi returns to his own room and wonders if Ainosuke was this rough with Cherry as well and whether he even cared about knowing the answer. He stares at the bruises in the shape of Ainosuke's fingers on his hips and the bite marks on his neck in the mirror, pressing down on each one to feel the sting.

No, he didn't want to know anything else at all.

\---

When they fuck, Ainosuke rarely wants to look at Tadashi, so he becomes accustomed to being pushed facedown on the bed or told to settle on his hands and knees, presenting himself with obedience to Ainosuke. Tadashi doesn't care, not one bit, because he wants to be able to do this for Ainosuke. He does everything else, has done everything else—comforted him after scolding, put the first skateboard under his feet, keeps his secrets, maintains his current home, gets him ready in the morning—so what if he wants to experience a few stolen moments of pleasure at Ainosuke's hands. 

Something is different on this day, though. Ainosuke stomps his way through the front door of the house, uncharacteristically showing his anger when he tends to hold it inside and unleash it on Tadashi in other ways. 

"Ainosuke-sama—?" Tadashi attempts to ask if everything is alright, but Ainosuke shoots him a look filled with hostility that the waves of bitterness are almost visibly rolling off of him, and it makes Tadashi snap his mouth shut.

"Come," Ainosuke gives the single-world demand, and Tadashi follows him immediately to the third bedroom. As soon as they're through the doors, Ainosuke gives his next command. "Strip." And so, Tadashi does. He had been running errands in the city today, meetings with the bank and other matters of importance passed down from Ainosuke and his aunts, so he had his full suit on still. Once he pulls the tie off first, Ainosuke holds his hand out. "Give that to me." When Tadashi hands it over, Ainosuke clutches it and allows his arm to fall limp at his side, the tie dangling between his fingers. 

Once Tadashi strips, Ainosuke tells him to go to the bed, but when he gets on his hands and knees, Ainosuke speaks again. "Not like that, turn around on your back." Tadashi feels uncertain of the instruction, they have never done it like _that_ before, but his moment of hesitation only earns him harsh words. "Did I not give you a command?"

With that, Tadashi maneuvers on the bed to lie on his back, his shoulders supported by the pillows behind him. He doesn't know where to look, if Ainosuke wants his eyes on him or kept away, so Tadashi chooses to turn his head away to the side where he makes eye contact with the mirror on the wall. It's a tall and thin mirror used to check the appearance of your outfit, so all Tadashi can see of himself is his face and part of his chest. The way his chest is currently moving fast with his breath as his nerves alight with anticipation mesmerizes him, so he doesn't notice that Ainosuke has started stripping until he's climbing onto the bed above him.

"Look at me," Ainosuke orders, and Tadashi complies, staring up at Ainosuke on his knees, still wearing his pants and his dress shirt hanging loosely unbuttoned, and his legs are bracketing Tadashi's waist. The contrast of seeing Ainosuke mostly fully dressed above his naked body makes Tadashi shiver. Tadashi's tie is still in his hands, and then he moves further up the bed to grasp Tadashi's hands and bring them together above his head. "Don't move," he instructs while bending over Tadashi's body with the tie and using it to bind his wrists together. Once satisfied with the bonds, he resumes his previous position. 

Ainosuke's eyes rake down Tadashi's body, and Tadashi's breathing manages to pick up; he's never been this turned on before Ainosuke has even put a hand on him. He's already hard and leaking, and when his eyes manage to catch a glimpse of Ainosuke, he can see that he is as well.

There's a click of a bottle that Tadashi knows well, but typically he's the one who prepares himself for Ainosuke. How is that going to happen now? The question only lingers in Tadashi's mind for a moment before he feels cold fingers touching him, lube smearing across where he's held open for Ainosuke's gaze until one finger pushes inside. Tadashi cannot stop the way his back arches and his mouth falls open with a gasp. 

Ainosuke does not speak, he just works a finger in Tadashi until he deems him prepared enough for a second. With two fingers, he speeds up moving in Tadashi, hitting him perfectly to have Tadashi crying out on each thrust as those long digits play him. When the third finger enters Tadashi, Ainosuke's other hand wraps around Tadashi and begins stroking him quickly, snapping twists at the end that drive Tadashi a little wild and make him unable to stay quiet. He had managed to clench his mouth and some of his whines were caught between his teeth, but not now.

"Ainosuke-sama," Tadashi gasps, he doesn't even know what he's saying the name for.

"Come," Ainosuke whispers, his voice hoarse, and because Tadashi will always do as Ainosuke tells him, he does, eyes slamming shut as his back arches hard and biting his lip in the vain attempt of keeping his sound to himself. A muffled plea of Ainosuke's name still makes it through. 

But after he comes, the hands don't stop, on the contrary, they speed up. The grip on Tadashi tightens as the fingers inside him continue their precise thrusts making sure to hit repeatedly at the right spot. 

"What—" Tadashi gasps out but it's cut into a moan. "Ainosuke-sama."

"How many times can you come, Tadashi?" Ainosuke asks. "Do you know?"

"N-no," Tadshi chokes out, too overstimulated and still drained from having just come. 

"Shall we find out?" Ainosuke asks, and Tadashi knows he does not expect an answer. "Let's see how many times you can come, Tadashi. You're not stopping until I tell you I'm done with you. What do you think about that?"

"I have no opinions," Tadashi declares, and it's the truth as he cannot think of anything else as Ainosuke rushes him into coming for a second time.

Tadashi vaguely wonders if allowing him to come is the only way Ainosuke will ever offer him any thanks, giving any indication that maybe he cares because he puts in that effort to make sure he gets off and never forbids it.

\---

“Do you wish I was him?” Tadashi asks in the quiet after when Ainosuke is putting his clothes back on. His shoulders tense and then sag quickly, but Tadashi saw. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, dog,” Ainosuke’s voice is stern except Tadashi knows him too well, and if he knows what his breathing sounds like when he comes then he also knows what Ainosuke sounds like when he’s lying. 

\---

And so this is what Tadashi's life becomes while they are in America, which isn’t too much different than it was back in Japan, except now sometimes Ainosuke will pull him into bed with Tadashi going along so willingly. Tadashi wanted anything Ainosuke would give him, especially this.

Ainosuke was now nearing the end of his university degree in America, and Tadashi had no idea what the Shindo family had in store for their heir once he graduated until one day when Ainosuke was out skating and Tadashi was left to the usual of managing the downtown penthouse that had been their home for the past four years. The calls from Japan were rare, usually, the aunts wanting to speak with Ainosuke to make sure he was staying on track, which he was, and sometimes Tadashi would be called upon to verify Ainosuke's statements. The latter was rare, so seeing his phone light up and the ringtone blaring shocked Tadashi as the contact name flashed across the screen.

"Ainosuke and you are to return to Japan the day after his final exam. Your flights are booked. The information will be sent to you. Tadashi, make sure to settle everything in the house before you leave," the information was spoken tonelessly through the phone by one of the aunts.

"Yes," Tadashi replied obediently. "I understand."

\---

Tadashi sits in the quiet of the penthouse living room until the door clicks open and Ainosuke walks through the door. His hair is windswept from skateboarding through the city, and he has a relaxed smile on his face—one only ever seen when he returned from these excursions. Any other smiles from Ainosuke were always fake or edged with something ominous. 

The smile faltered when he saw Tadashi sitting there, clearly waiting. "Were you waiting up for me?" Ainosuke laughed hollowly. "Useless."

"Your aunts called, Ainosuke-sama," Tadashi cut in before Ainosuke could hurl any other insults or walk away. 

Ainosuke's shoulders sagged. "What did they want with you?"

"They were telling me about our plans for returning to Japan. They have booked our return for the day after you complete your final exams," Tadashi informs him, and then he waits to see how the other man will react. 

The flash of shock in Ainosuke's eyes is expected. That means they only have two weeks left in the country and need to start preparations for returning almost immediately. What Tadashi does not expect is the way Ainosuke drops his skateboard, it clatters to the ground making a harsh sound against the hardwood floor, and then he quickly crosses the room, closing the space between them to grab Tadashi by the collar of his shirt and drag him up. Tadashi's mouth falls open with a gasp in surprise, and Ainosuke takes that opening to bring their mouths together. 

Their teeth clack against each other, jolting Tadashi's body, and there's not one iota of finesse in the way they kiss. Ainosuke bites aggressively and shoves his tongue into Tadashi's mouth, invading and owning every part he can reach all while Tadashi can do nothing but clutch onto the shoulders of Ainosuke's hoodie. When Ainosuke pulls back, they both pant and Tadashi's lips sting from the way the other man kept nipping at them. Tadashi looks into Ainosuke's eyes, and they burn with something he has a hard time concluding it to be desire, but it must be as it’s something new on his face Tadashi hasn’t seen before. 

"Come on," Ainosuke muters and uses his grip on Tadashi's collar to pull him away down the hallway that leads to the bedrooms. 

Tadashi has a vague idea of what to expect at this point. When they fuck, Tadashi is restricted ins some way—whether it's by Ainosuke keeping him down on his hands and knees, something binding his hands above his head, or a blindfold across his eyes—there's always an element in place to keep Tadashi in _his_ place while Ainosuke fucks him. The other options tended to be Tadashi on his knees below Ainosuke, mouth full of him while Ainosuke maintained a firm grip on Tadashi's hair, directing him where he wanted as he fucked into Tadashi's mouth. Kisses are a rarity. They usually only occurred as a start to fucking and rarely during. After the first time they fell into bed together, Ainosuke would occasionally bring their mouths together furiously, as he had just now, but more often than not Tadashi's lips were not allowed the privilege to touch Ainosuke's.

Whatever Ainosuke chose, Tadashi accepted it. He wanted it.

Tadashi adored Ainosuke, but now he's fairly sure he's in love with him, and that realization has the power to both rattle his bones apart while also making his soul soar higher than he ever has on a skateboard. 

So Tadashi goes, lets Ainosuke pull him into the bedroom and push him down on the bed. The first thing that strikes Tadashi is that Ainosuke doesn't instruct him to strip, doesn't stand back and watch as Tadashi follows orders, instead, he crawls over Tadashi and hovers over him with unfocused eyes that roam over Tadashi's body. When Ainosuke seemingly has his fill of looking at Tadashi like a meal laid out for him, he bent down and kissed Tadashi in such a soft touch of their lips it made Tadashi gasp, but that was all the chance that Ainosuke needed to slide his tongue into Tadashi’s mouth and lick at every bit of it he could reach. All Tadashi could do was lie there weakly, gladly accepting Ainosuke into him this way and moaning gently around the tongue while softly gliding his along Ainosuke’s.

They manage to stay like this for a while, lazily making out on the bed while Ainosuke’s hands start roaming over Tadashi’s body, and even the touch above his clothes manages to work Tadashi up and make him yearn for the layers to just be removed already. He also finds himself fighting the urge to try and touch Ainosuke. Tadashi wonders what would happen if he were to place his hands at Ainosuke’s waist, but fearing breaking the spell they seemed to both be under, Tadashi grips the sheets of the bed instead, clutching them between his fingers. 

Ainosuke eventually pulls back, breaking the kiss apart, but as he sits up on his knees, he twines Tadashi’s tie in his fingers and drags him up along with him. “Take my clothes off,” Ainosuke tells him, and Tadashi immediately jumps to the task, unbuttoning the trim waistcoat Ainosuke is wearing and then getting to the buttons of the shirt underneath as well. To Tadashi’s surprise, Ainosuke also starts taking his clothes off, going for the tie first and flinging it to some corner of the room. The two shift and move back as needed in order to pull each other’s clothes off until they are bare before each other, and Ainosuke pushes Tadashi back down. 

“Touch me,” Ainosuke whispers against Tadashi’s lips and then starts to kiss him again. 

Tadashi obeys, and it’s not a burden of an ask at all because this is what his fingers had been absolutely itching to do. He wanted nothing more than to finally feel the smooth skin and trim muscles beneath his fingertips. Now that he has the permission, Tadashi feasts. And while Tadashi explores the dips, curves, and hard planes of Ainosuke’s body, Ainosuke does the same to him, but he also plays a little dirty. A press of nails here, a scratch there. Every little change-up makes Tadashi fall apart more in his hands, and they haven’t even moved past this yet. Tadashi expects comments about his eagerness, to be called a _puppy_ , but instead, Ainosuke stays quiet except for the occasional breathy sigh.

Eventually, the bottle is retrieved and Ainosuke’s fingers are pressing into Tadashi. He’s never felt so overwhelmed in his life. To have Ainosuke’s lips on his, his tongue effortlessly licking into his mouth, and his skilled fingers who know just how to play Tadashi’s body doing every twist and thrust that reduces Tadashi’s brain to almost nothing. All he knows is how much he wants to stay in this moment forever, and the only thing he wants more is for AInosuke to get inside him and fuck him. 

He must be more out of it than he realizes because as he has these thoughts, Ainosuke pauses and ceases all movements, pulling back. It dawns on Tadashi that he spoke his desires out loud.

“Were you asking me to do something?” Ainosuke whispers the question while hovering just an inch over Tadashi’s face so he can feel every puffing of breath at each word against his face. 

“I didn't mean it as such,” Tadashi replies. “I just—”

“You just what, Tadashi?” Ainosuke’s voice sounds far from that of a careful lover trying to tease his partner. No, it sounds dangerous, and Tadashi hates how much that excites him.

“Please,” that’s all Tadashi can pitifully say, his voice as quiet as a match going out, so small he barely hears it himself.

Ainosuke hums. “You’re lucky I feel generous today.”

With that, the three fingers that had been working Tadashi open with such diligence pull out of him, and soon Ainosuke is pushing into him instead with one long thrust that leaves Tadashi keening. Ainosuke’s hands rest on either side of Tadashi’s head, and he lowers himself to be able to kiss again. Tadashi’s legs wrap around Ainosuke’s waist and settle there, crossed ankles at the small of his back as Ainosuke starts to fuck him. 

Ainosuke has not said anything otherwise, so Tadashi risks it by getting his hands back on the other man’s body, clutching his shoulders and holding on as the thrusts start to speed up. Every movement brushes Ainosuke’s abs against where Tadashi is hard between them, aching to be touched but accepting that it might not happen. Tadashi allows one of his hands to wander up just enough so the fingers can push into the soft hair at the back of Ainosuke’s head and rest there, clutching on for dear life as Ainosuke sets himself on an unrelenting pace that leaves both of them needing to break apart from the kiss in order to spend a moment panting to regain breath. 

“Touch yourself,” Ainosuke commands, and his voice that sounds prim and put together in all other avenues of his life seems to fall to pieces here as he comes apart at the seams.

Because this is different. Ainosuke has fucked Tadashi before in so many ways, but not like this. No, this feels decidedly distinct from the other times they’ve been in this room on this bed, like something else entirely that made a bubble of hope rise inside Tadashi, which was the most dangerous thing of all—much more dangerous than Ainosuke in his most turbulent moods. 

But Tadashi does as he’s told and snakes one of his hands between them, leaving the other still holding onto Ainosuke’s hair like a lifeline. He starts working himself in time with Ainosuke’s thrusts, his knuckles brushing against Ainosuke’s stomach with each stroke. 

“Good,” Ainosuke mutters and starts kissing Tadashi again, saving Tadashi from trying to decide if there’s anything for him to even say at all. 

He doesn’t have permission. Ainosuke did not tell him to. But, Tadashi thinks that this is the one time where he’s likely going to be allowed this. Pulling away from the kiss abruptly, Tadashi whines Ainosuke’s name with his eyes screwed shut, unable to look up at the other man because to see him right now as he comes would make the entire illusion of what they’re doing feel too real and raw. 

“Ainosuke, I—” but his own words get cut off by the rush he feels as he comes, any opportunity for actual words crumbles as his brain goes into white static and he arches up, spilling into his hand and against their stomachs. 

Ainosuke’s face goes between Tadashi’s neck and shoulder, burying into the space as he keeps fucking Tadashi. Wishful thinking and the haze of having just come and feeling overstimulated as Ainosuke keeps working Tadashi’s body makes Tadashi assume that the small gasp in the form of his name was another part of the dream he wishes they were living in and not the reality where after this, Ainosuke will pretend he never fucked Tadashi in a way that felt almost too tender, too much like lovers.

But they are neither of those things to each other.

Ainosuke collapses down onto Tadashi after he comes, face still hidden in Tadashi’s shoulder until he returns to his senses and pushes up, diverting his eyes from looking at Tadashi’s face as he pulls out and lets Tadashi’s legs settle back down. He doesn’t allow his eyes to trail back to Tadashi as he gets up from the bed and starts reaching for his discarded garments.

"Why couldn't you be my Eve?" Ainosuke whispers the question into the darkness of the room as he pulls on his clothes. Tadashi's mouth falls open, lips parting trying to find the appropriate answer.

_I can be! I want to be! I love you!_

But each answer does not feel suitable. 

Ainosuke continues to pull on his clothes, finally buttoning up his shirt. He does not face Tadashi as he speaks again. "It's okay, Tadashi," he turns his head to look over his shoulder now that he's fully dressed. "You have no opinions." With that, Ainosuke walks out of the room back to his own bedroom while Tadashi falls back on the bed and closes his eyes tightly, fighting back the stinging forming in them from the prickling of tears. 

When he manages to pick himself up to clean the room and get dressed, the penthouse is silent and the light that can usually be seen from underneath Ainosuke's door is off. 

Ainosuke does not touch Tadashi for the remainder of their time in America.

\---

As they sit in the plane back to Japan, Ainosuke next to him, the model image of a soon-to-be Diet member seated in business class with his assistant at his side, Tadashi at the window seat gazes out across the clouds. Sometimes when he achieves a particularly good jump it feels like he could soar on his board and touch the clouds, let his fingers drag through their chill and settle into his body. 

Ainosuke does not pay attention to him, busying himself with looking over the report he had Tadashi prepare for him on how S has been operating in their absence. The police have stayed away with Cherry and Joe running it fairly smoothly. The number of accidents and injuries has surely diminished since Ainosuke left, Tadashi had wryly thought. 

When they get back to Japan, Ainosuke will resume his quest to find his Eve, and Tadashi will stand by and watch this happen. He will be in the background, a shadow to Ainosuke, doing his bidding as he takes his place as a Diet Member and returns to S. 

Except Tadashi no longer feels content with that. 

When Tadashi first helped Ainosuke onto a skateboard, he wanted to help show the boy there's so much more to the world, ways to find joy, but somewhere along the way Ainosuke swerved off the path, veered into a single-minded obsession that already wrought damage and pain. Tadashi wonders what will happen when Ainosuke, Cherry, and Joe see each other again. 

This time he will skate with Ainosuke and remind him of how this all started, of how this is all meant to be; that once it had just been the two of them.

Tadashi loves Ainosuke, and because of that he is also ready to lose him if that is what it takes to pull him back from the edge he currently sits on, ready to tumble over into an abyss obsessed with finding his Eve. If Tadashi cannot be his Eve, at least he can attempt to save Ainosuke from the fall.

**Author's Note:**

> i’m on [twitter](https://twitter.com/pushclouds), thinking about what adam is going to illustrate with tadashi’s body


End file.
